


The Vetinari Clinic Newsletter

by DaibhidC



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Private Eye (Magazine)
Genre: Gen, Newsletter, Some kind of AU possibly, parody of a parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:03:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaibhidC/pseuds/DaibhidC
Summary: "If Ankh-Morpork had a version ofPrivate Eye, what would the equivalent of St Albion's Church or the Coalition Academy/Cameron Free School/St Theresa's Grammar be?" is probably not a question that has ever been asked.Nevertheless, here is one possible answer.





	The Vetinari Clinic Newsletter

Hello, Dr V here.

It's been a busy few weeks here at the Clinic, hasn't it?

Firstly, we say goodbye to Mr Creaser, after fifty years of meaningfully shaking the collecting tin at departing pet owners. Mr Creaser will be replaced by Mr Lipwig, who I expect will offer the same kind of innovation he brought to the Clinic's gift voucher system and internal messaging service. He may even achieve the miracle of getting some of our patients to actually make a donation!

Speaking of the gift vouchers, Sammy the terrier still has his teeth firmly sunk into Miss Pucci Lavish, but we're hoping that he'll loosen his jaw sufficiently that Miss Lavish can explain what happened to the previous system. I have no wish to use the word "embezzlement", but it seems unlikely that the strange shortage of vouchers for "Good Kitty" herring-flavoured biscuits is _entirely_ unconnected to the Lavishes being known for having extremely fat cats.

I was disappointed to see that, at the Clinic's First Annual Fetch Competition, some people had brought untrained street dogs, apparently unaware that the Competition actually has _rules_. Chief among these, of course, being that the ball is the ball that the dog fetches as a ball. Mr Ridcully and his Unseen Familiars grasped this admirably, and it is disappointing that they are unable to follow this up with the proposed competition against the Pseudopolis Democratic Animal Centre. Partly due to the Centre's recent problem with chickens, but mostly because the Pseudopolitan animals voted against it.

Mr King, the Clinic's busy janitor, has taken time out from cleaning the litter trays to buy a combination pet carrier and kettle from a Latatian visitor, and I'm sure we're all very excited to learn how that works and whether it can make tea. Mr Lipwig will also be assisting with this, in what I assume is his copious free time.

Finally, let me remind all pet owners to familiarise themselves with the Clinic's quarantine regulations (volumes 1-15). Failure to do so may result in a period of not less than a month in an uncomfortable wire cage. Your pet may be treated similarly.

Do not let me detain you,

 

Dr Vetinari, MGVS

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm sort of assuming that three books which almost certainly didn't happen at the same time sort of did, in order to have enough things going on at once.
> 
> The obscurest reference here is probably Mr Creaser, who is the outgoing Master of Taxes at the end of _Making Money_.


End file.
